Australians versus Vampires

So before I begin, I want to make something clear. There IS a difference between a movie, and a film. A movie is something like Pearl Harbour, Titanic, or Attack of the Killer Mongoose 9, whilst a film is something like Requiem for a Dream, The Godfather, or The Seven Samurai.

There is a difference people, deal with it.

So last night lying in the wonderful soft comforts of my bed, I was channel flicking, (and though it lacks in certain functionalities I love the Showtime Showbox), and came to a visual conundrum. Now on one channel I have what seems to be the beginning of one of the greatest movies ever made (insert buckets of sarcasm here) "Vampire Wars - Battle for the Universe", whilst on the other channel, I have the equally intriguing, "Australian Princess". Now my preference for all things Australian over vampires is commonly known, so I stayed on MBC 2 to enjoy the tirade of events unfolding.

So those of you (and really shame on you!) who don't know about this show, it's about some ordinary Oz girls try to become a British Princess (?!?!?) with Paul Burrell (Princess Diana's butler) and some random crazy woman's judgement deciding. Having nothing better to do with their lives, these girls get trained in making tea "the proper way", serving lunch, making conversation, standing up straight and boating (which apparently is THE thing in the upper crust of British society . . . ) whilst being told to lose a few kilos (hahahaha . . .) and that they are common because they don't usually use tea strainers (hahahaha . . . x 2). The winner then gets to be with a (true blue, oh a dream come through pumpkin oh pumpkin) prince, if they get through each week in a series of demeaning round that eliminates one person every time. Right. Such an original concept! Just like every other generic crap of The Bachelor, Beauty and the Geek (Or Cheap Pick-up and the Dork), and Survivor - where are they now; Fujairah?. (Non-UAE residents please google map it).

What I really enjoyed during the episode I watched, was where Burrell readily downgraded the rest of Britain and called them all "miffs" (?) just because they don't set their tea cups and saucers at the 5 o'clock angle and because they don't spend 30 minutes making a cup of tea. The "cardinal sin" is apparently putting milk in the cup first. Sad to say Paul, but if you REALLY knew your tea history, some people would consider putting milk in their tea a sin in itself. It also became crystal clear just how sad this man is: He bases his whole existence on the fact that he knows the royal family. Right . . . Paul, you're still a butler…which traditionally is marginally better than a slave. And personally I'd rather not spend my life serving at someones beck and call. Learnt that in hotels! So go think about that while boating and sipping tea you muppet.

The other judge person calls herself an "etiquette expert". This means that she has this "holier than God and every other sentient being in this universe" attitude and she thinks she can tell girls to lose weight . . . though I'm quite perplexed while she looks really nasty while her double chin wobbles. But lest I forget . . . she worked for the Queen! So she must be important! Hoorah! She rips into the girls on being "lady-like" and tells them off for being too boisterous, rough, loud, etc . . . but is it "lady-like" to be so bloody offensive and a loud-mouthed witch with a pancake face? The girls, suffice to say, are all quite dolts and should not change. Where else would redneck towns get charm from?

(*This disclaimer states that all countries have rednecks anywhere, in Japan, Inakapes, and India, Ladoos!)

And also, who is this spectacular prince they will be with? Some completely random Canadian-born Marek Andrzej Stanislaw Prince Swiatopelk-Czetwertynski (in true Aryan looks) strutting about in a Nottinghamshire manor house, Harlaxton Hall (borrowed for the occasion,of course), in this massive effort to look luxurious but succeeds in presenting that it only seems to burn electricity excessively. I pissed myself laughing when in true blue Oz fashion, they started the elimination round for the episode. The girl that was voted off was told by the host, and quote "He didn't think you had spunk, and that you were a bit thick." This by far has to be the best cutdown line ever spoken on reality television. Ladies and Gentlemen, it doesn't get better than this. Sadly the show then ended, while my hunger for idiotic television was not staved.

I turned back to "Vampire Wars - Battle for the Universe", what else? Only about 20 minutes had passed into this epic tale as I tuned in. When I started watching this movie, I felt I was going to another world, one where acting, plot, script, and any of those things used in movies were not important, to a world where nothing made sense, because everything did. Point to be made here, this movie is proof that Michael Ironside will star in anything. Which is a pity, because I really enjoyed him in Starship Troopers, classic B Grade stuff.

You probably don't know that in the Splinter Cell games, the main man Sam Fisher is gravelly voiced by none other than Ironside as well. Man of many talents! Well, some anyways . . . Doing some research, (for those of you wanting to buy this movie in HD or Blu-Ray), it was originally called “Bloodsuckers,” and debuted a few years back on the dreaded Sci-Fi Channel. To be honest, it starts out surprisingly enjoyable, as we follow the adventures of a “V-San” (Vampire Sanitation, don't ask, accept) unit on patrol in the furthest reaches of the galaxy, strange alien lands that just so happen to look an awful lot like British Columbia. It’s the year 2210, and outer space is crawling with all sorts of vampires - a variety of subspecies that need to be killed in a variety of ways before they overtake you with their variety of vampire powers. Our rugged V-San crew, which includes a handsome captain, a gruff rookie lieutenant, a sexy half-woman/half-vampire (apparently related to Blade in concept), a butch lesbian (token Asian), and some guy in a cowboy hat, because apparently you have to have a guy in a cowboy hat, (homage to "Predator"). These guys wander around the outskirts of Vancouver (or maybe Toronto), shouting kick ass macho Space Marine-isms like “Knock ’em, sock ’em, bring ’em to the ground and spike ’em!” before heading off to knocking, socking, and spiking grounded space vampires.

What I loved was the crazy ass action and the ridiculous dialogue accompanied by the ample amounts of rock (both bluesy decent and Nickelback-level sucky) and the realization by everyone involved that it’s such a shitty movie to try to take seriously. Heroes and bad guys are both deliciously overplayed without being so tongue-in-cheek that comedy gets in the way, while the action is brisk enough and bloody enough to satisfy fans of such high-concept, low-rent productions. (And I mean really low-rent . . .) What's sad is that this previously fairly simple B movie quickly balloons out of his control, as we’re introduced to a weak subplot about a band of human rebels who want to team up with vampires to overthrow humanity. (Don't ask, accept). One of the greatest moments is, yes, seeing Michael Ironside and Michael DeLuise, both in full-on space vampire make-up. (Sadly, I couldn't find any pics of him in this getup online, but he probably burned all of them after the movie wrapped). All of this gets awkwardly intertwined with bits about vampire mind-sex, some weird conflict among the crew, and a key plot point involving the interrogation of what can only be described as a vampire slug puppet.

Oscar material indeed.